The House Rules

December 9, 2009

The Divorcee and The Widow had come to an agreement long before they had added The Gay Guy to the mix and that was if either of them had an “Overnight Guest”  that said guest would be required to provide breakfast for the house.  The Ladies felt it was only fair if one was getting “desert”  and the other was forced to say watch a movie loudly, alone in her room, with a towel stuffed under the door that someone should feed them breakfast.   They Gay Guy had agreed to this rule when he moved in and although he had several house guest non had been required to bring breakfast.   So one night The Gay Guy sends a txt asking for permission to entertain The Ladies gave their approval and placed their breakfast orders with glee.   Their mirth turned to mifed when The Gay Guy came sheepishly into the house with a very drunk “Guest” in toe.   The Guest although cute didn’t seem to be that gay and really looked more like a member of the unwashed masses that The Divorcee may have once reveled in in her slumming miss spent youth, instead of the Abercombie and Fitch sort of creatures that normally inhabited The Gay Guys circle .

The Gay Guy explained that his guest lacked a ride home so he offered to give him one and it turned out somehow they had ended up at the house of The Widow, Divorcee, and Gay Guy instead of at the home of the guest.   The Guest was very drunk and a recently released ex-con; he wore his work uniform that had his name stitched on the front of the jacket and the shirt  as well as the companies logo.  The Guest was apparently a janitor for a company across the street from were the trio lived and perhaps that was the reason for The Gay Guy going so horribly off course when taking this creature home.

The Ladies were unimpressed with The Gay Guys find.  They instantly began to message each other about this as they sat next to each other on the coach eying up the Guest.   The Gay Guy had the decency to look embarrassed and ashamed,  as his guest  had trouble negotiating the buttons on his coat and feet into his boots.  The Divorcee put it best when she liked this experiance to The Gay Guy bringing home a rabid raccoon after he had gotten permission to have a house cat,  she followed this statment with the simple fact that “one does not bring home boys who have their names stitched on their clothing, those are the sort of boys you fuck in bathrooms.”

As the Ladies mentally cataloged what valuables they would need to put in their rooms that night the next house hold rule was formed:  You are never to bring home some one who is on parole…unless of course they are really really cute.  The ladies also hastily added that they would now require a meal at Red Lobster as penance for this horrible offense.   The Gay Guy was beside himself with shame and regret to the point were even the hardened Divorcee took pity on him.  The Divorcee smiles at the downtrodden Gay Guy and said “You should at least go make out with your Guest or something…you need to turn this thing around girlfriend and go get you some!”  She followed this declaration by hugging The Gay Guy and then giving him a quick pat to the ass as he walked back to his room and his drunken convict guest.

The Ladies then promptly spent the rest of the night nervously on the couch watching cartoons and movies on demand, and planning what they would require from their meal at Red Lobster.

Love Hurts or Injuries by Sexual Missadventure a Tale in Three Parts

December 9, 2009

Part 1: The Divorcee

The Divorcee had taken up with a co-worker, well ok that doesn’t really explain things.  The Divorcee had befriended a co-worker who was also tipping 30 and trying to take a bite out of life,  and she has spent a few months trying to get him to take a bite out of her. Through a wide verity of events  she ended up getting her wish Halloween night.  From that night on The Divorcee and her “guy she was seeing” (The Widow suggested we call him Mr. Burns)  added an  “adult encounter” to their list of weekly activities and still chose to avoid terms such as “boyfriend” and “dating.”   All “adult encounters” had been limited to the apartment of Mr. Burns until this past weekend when the Divorcee had hoped to shake things up a bit by having the slumber party at her house instead.  When Mr. Burns arrived at the house he was disheveled and high off his ass, dis spite this he had somehow remembered the movie he had promised to bring, and because of this he had managed for forget just about anything else he might have wanted to have with him.   The Divorcee knew instantly that the stress of a strange place and the presents of the other housemates and dogs was going to be too much for Mr. Burns and more then likely she would be falling  asleep next to her puppy instead of naked next to Mr. Burns.    Much to The Divorcee’s delight the night took the turn it normally did a.k.a. naughtiness ensued, but in an effort to mix things up a bit they tried a new angle of approach;  at this time it must be mentioned that The Divorcee is a rather petite women and that Mr. Burns in hung like a horse;  at any rate physics was not on there side so while Mr. Burns succeeded in gaining entry to “The Holy Land”  the squeeze through the gates had been a bit more then he could stand.   Needless to say the night lacked a happy ending on his part, he would recover by the next day and mostly the divorcee would be happy that for once she was not the victim of the sex related injury.    As predicted Mr. Burns did not end up sleeping over and when he  left the house that night he was  nearly as disheveled as when he had come and forgot his coat and hat in the process.

*** as a side note Mr. Burns  requested that if the blog  ever became famous for  his identity to be withheld.***

Part 2: The Widow

Later that same week while watching TV The Divorcee got a phone call from  The Widow.  At first it was nearly impossible to make out what she was saying she was laughing so hard.   Once The Widow composed herself a little she started her story afresh.  Apparently The Widow and “a male friend”  were making out in the living room of Friends house and at the most inopportune moment the cable cut out causing the TV in The Friend’s Child’s bedroom to make a horrible noise waking the child up and causing the child to come running down the stairs and into the living room just as The Friend was cumming.  The Widow and Friend both startled moved quickly to avoid an uncomfortable moment with Friend’s child resulting in The Widow taking a “shot” to the eye point blank.  The Widow was left mostly blind in her now swollen, red, puffed up eye.   The Widow was now talking to The Divorcee from the eye care isle of their local Wal-mart store.   The next day The Widow looking a little like a prize fighter, the suggested eye patch was not required.

Part 3:  The Gay Guy

The Gay Guy and his Gay Guy Pal were drunk, high and making out in a hotel room some time ago.  As the pair became more amorous a certain lack for planing became an issue, neither of them had remembered Lube, a must in the gay sex arena.  In addition to a lack of lube thanks to way too much pot they also had a lack of spit, which of course is the next best thing.  The hopped up and horny pair began to search the room for something that might solve the problem at hand, the answer presented itself in the form of a complimentary travel sized bottle of shampoo.  The two soaped up and “plunged in”.   Like a bolt of lightning or a hot poker up the ass the flaw to their plan was reveled;  The Gay Guy shot up off the bed and ran around the room Daffy Duck style screaming and fanning at his burning bum.  The Gay Guy later confessed to The Widow and The Divorcee that yes there was a bubble or two but no love made that night.

~ The Divorcee

Meet the President of Perv Club!

December 6, 2009

One day the Gay Guy was browsing his new favorite website Youporn.com.  As you may already know, the Divorcee’ had shared her affinity for the site with him a few weeks ago.  Well, upon perusing for more “gay twins” on the site, The Gay Guy comes across an ad for AdultFriendFinder.com, or as The Widow calls it “find a fuck buddy dot com”.  He then notices that the member in the ad looks quite familiar.  Curiosity gets the best of The Gay Guy and he clicks on the ad, and is taken to a page that says “Men in Your City Looking to Get Laid Tonight!”.  And once again on the front page is that same familiar face!  The Gay Guy is beyond confused as that familiar face is a married man.  So The Gay Guy clicks on the profile, has a slight stroke, and ponders what he should do with his new found information.

Later that evening the gay guy realizes that he needs to tell The Divorcee’ and Widow of his findings.  But because he is after all, “The Gay Guy with the heart of gold”, he is quite torn and feeling guilty for letting someone’s dirty little secret out of the bag.  Eventually the laptop comes out…

The first thing we see is a profile picture.  Which just so happens to be a from his wedding, oddly enough a photograph that The Widow took!  Second his screen name, which happens to be our newly found President of Perv Club’s first name, first few letters of his last, and his birth date.  And then lastly, the first part of his profile.  You see, have to be a paying member to view a full profile.  And well let’s face it, though The Gay guy and The Divorcee’ may spend a bit too much time looking at porn, neither of them would join a pay site for said porn let alone pay for booty call hookups.

“I am a ## year old male.  I am married but looking for some regular fun and companionship on the side.  I have a 6” penis.  I am looking for a pre-op or post-op transsexual, man, woman, or couple (m&w), (m&m), (w&w)…

This really does not surprise The Widow or the Divorcee’.  What The Gay Guy did not realize is that the Perv Club President’s dirty little secret about the trannies was not so much a secret.  Also, The Widow had busted him a year and a half ago when he was house-sitting and did not clear the history on her computer…  However, The Widow was pretty sure that The President was not in an open marriage and that he should be informed that his face and name were popping up in ads on free porn sites.

I guess you really can’t fix stupid afterall!

-The Widow

The First Rule of Perv Club: Don’t Talk about Perv Club

November 12, 2009

The Widow was sorting through her dead husbands things and had gotten into the boxes and bags that were a mixture or CDs, DVDs, and Video Games of all sorts.  The Divorcee moved on such bag to realize there was a whole in that bag and that porn was spilling out of that whole.    As it turned out The Widow’s husband had an affinity for porn and as with all things owned it in access.  The discovery of the big bag of porn led The Divorcee to wonder why anyone would buy porn when there is such a wide verity of porn available for free online, and this lead the trio to start trading the names of their favorite sites.

The Divorcee threw out the name Youporn.com and was shocked to learn that The Gay Guy had never heard of the site.   Later that night The Gay Guy hopped online and pulled up the site and started “ohhhhh! it’s like youtube but with porn.”  “yeah,” The Divorcee said “and the fun part is you can search for what you are looking for and it keep track of what you look at an offers you up additional options.”

The Widow found it very amusing that The Divorcee was schooling The Gay Guy in the ways of online porn, and The Divorcee in the hopes of regaining some sense of decorum pointed out that she may know a lot about youporn.com but unlike The Gay Guy she never looking at it in the living room while we were all sitting around, The Gay Guy in his defense looking up and said “ohhhhh! lookie Gay Twins!!”    The ladies went back to watching TV and The Gay Guy wondered off to his room “to play video games.”

-The Divorcee

How We Ended Up With Purple Soup or Why We Love Hub Kirkpatrick

November 2, 2009

The Guy Gay was still packing/unpacking from his move and The Divorcee & The Widow did what they often do when they aren’t quite sure what to do with themselves they went to Wal-mart and Wegmans.   The Divorcee and The Widow had been talking Cabbage Soup every since they had stuffed cabbage the week before and today seemed as good as any to try it out.  As with all things The Divorcee was improvising heavily when it came to the soup.  The basic plan for the soup revolved around a leftover veggie tray, chicken broth, cabbage and whatever else seemed like a good idea to throw in; it wasn’t until the pair was at the grocery store eying up the produce that they realized there was a verity of cabbages to choose from.   The Ladies weighed their options carefully and selected a lovely purple cabbage.     It was not until the soup was at full tilt and hour later that The Ladies realized two things 1. that the purple from the cabbage had not faded out as The Widow thought it might and 2. that lovely purple shade from the cabbage had spread to every other item in the soup: the potatoes, carrots, etc.   Despite the unconventional coloring of the soup  it ended up being so lovely that even The Gay Guy had to admit it tasted good enough for a full bowl and to save the leftovers.  The Widow made fresh bread and all were happy.

Now as The Gay Guy mentioned some time in the clean up it came to the attention of The Divorcee that the garbage disposal was not working, this was a problem for a few reasons not the least of which was it required her to stick her hand down into the clogged disposal and fish out bits of this and that in the hopes of fixing the issue.  It is also worth mentioning that this was a particularly unsavory job for The Divorcee who finds even the idea of washing dirty dishes to be a little tummy rolling.   After clearing out the gunk but still not being able to make the disposer run The Divorcee did what she always does an calls on The Widow for back up.  The Widow was really uninterested in getting involved in the project but after finishing her own soup she came into the kitchen to investigate.  The Widow came out from under the sink with a fun looking “tool” of some kind and said “I know that I some how use this to fix it… I think.”  The Divorcee suddenly remembered that she had watched something on This Old House about garbage disposals and suggested that tool may go into the bottom of the disposal unit somehow, it did not but it wasn’t a bad guess.   The Widow was in no mood to monkey around with the disposal unit but halfheartedly poked the tool around the unit looking for a place were it might meet up correctly with some hole, and emptied out the cabinet under the sink.  The Divorcee was concerned that this would turn out like the internet incident were The Widow would lose interest in the project due to lack of energy and low ranking on her list of things that were important leaving The Divorcee to be annoyed and unsettled for days, but this time The Divorcee choose to be proactive, she looked at The Gay Guy and said “let’s check the internet because we can’t be the only people who have no idea how to fix a broken garbage disposal!”  and the two rushed to the computer.    They went to google.com and searched “clogged garbage disposal”  and as she scrolled through the list of possible DIY sites The Divorcee choose a video tutorial that came to them from youtube.com  The video featured a sweet older gentleman calming to be a professional handyman, his man was Hub Kirkpatrick, and for the next 4:56 minutes The Divorcee and The Gay Guy were mesmerized as Hub explained how to fix the disposal.   When the Video had been watched twice The Divorcee and The Gay Guy raced into the kitchen like children on Christmas morning and told The Widow what she thought was the tool for the job was not what they really needed, really what they needed was a long alen wrench and one was found right on cue.  The Divorcee then got down on hands and knees and investigated the under side of the unit and before The Gay Guy had time to bring her a flash light she had the disposal purring like a kitten and grinding up the remains of purple cabbage soup.   The Widow was shocked that The Divorcee wasn’t as helpless and useless as she had thought,  The Divorcee was equally shocked with herself, and The Gay Guy thrilled that he was some how a part of it all.   The Divorcee bounced around the kitchen with child like glee and with the same child like glee threw her arms in the arm above her head made a silly face and said “ya! I fixed a thing!”    All and all it was a good night, Thanks Hub Kirkpatrick.

**** The Divorcee****

Missing pants, a Hub and Panicked pups

November 2, 2009

After a exhausting day all around the housemates attempt to relax, while the gay guy is in and out the house and unpacking things left and right. After a short break the widow and divorcee had made a rather interesting potion, “purple cabbage soup”.  As the widow takes a break from organizing her room, and the divorcee puts a pause on sewing a costume for friend, and the gay guy stops working on the never-ending unpacking… they sit and enjoy a rather interesting dinner as a family for the first time… A bit of time passes and the group starts cleaning up from their dinner. Just an average rinse and put in the dishwasher, and run the disposal, or so they thought.

As the gay guy and widow sit in the living room while the divorcee finishes clean up…..  All of a sudden you hear, “Am I pushing the right button”, says the divorcee with a panicked tone in here voice.  The widow replies, “yea probably its being stupid” as the group gather in the kitchen around the sink, wondering what to do, the widow falls to her knees saying “look it up online, I know this things turns, as the gay guy and the divorcee find a handyman on youtube they figure out.  The divorcee uses the alan wrench and the problem is solved.  The divorcee does a very different yay pose “thank you Hub Kirkpatrick”.  A bit later the gay guy is beyond tired and getting cranky, and looks at the divorcee and says ” you make me think of the special olympics”  He than begins walking to his room as a pup is barking at him and will not stop, in no mood for the noise at the moment he turns and lets out 3 yips back at the dog..  Than suddenly as if an act of god is acquiring  the house began to rumble, and a stamped of barking pups came running for his face…chasing him into his room.  The divorcee  stops and yells, ” why would you do something like that.”  The gay guy can hear the widow in the other room with a tone of disgust but unable to hear what she is saying over the barking.  He responds to the divorcee, “Im tired and in no mood”  she says back “Well Im tired to but at least you know were your pants are.”…..  And after that the groups remained fairly quite for the night and eventually returning to the chambers and ending their second day as a family….

–The Gay Guy

But I’m Cute!

October 30, 2009

Our third day together was pretty low key.  The Gay Guy was worn out from days of moving, packing, and unpacking.  The Widow was still exhausted from 10 straight days of manual labor attempting to get the house in order for The Divorcee’s birthday party and The Gay Guy’s arrival.  And The Divorcee, well she was still working on her damn Halloween costumes.  As if it were not bad enough that she started making her own a just 10 days before Halloween, she also decided to dress up her friend in a matching costume that she also had to sew from scratch.  Life with The Divorcee is always an experience.  I really think she could make a great cartoon, like something on the same lines as Cathy.

Have I mentioned how much I love The Gay Guy?  Here is a prime example why…  The Divorcee tends to be a bit of a slacker and it is already obvious that The Gay Guy is not going to stand for it.  She finished up her dinner and by something short of a miracle she actually puts her dirty dishes in the dishwasher.  (Now she claims that she can never tell if the dishes are clean or dirty, but how hard is it really to solve that conundrum?)  The Gay Guy notices that she did not bother to rinse out the sink and there is rice sitting there.  How nasty is that?!?  So he calls her on it…

The Gay Guy:  Gross!  Way to not rinse out the sink, that is how people get cockroaches you know”!

The Divorcee:  But I am cute!

The Widow:  You just keep telling yourself that…

The Divorcee: Oh, I will.

The Gay Guy:  Here let me help.  [Strokes her head with all the finesse of a 3 year old child with a mental disability] Preeetty, Preeetty…

The Divorcee:  OUCH!

The Widow:  [Laughing uncontrollably]  I love you Gay Guy!!!

-The Widow

The Presence of Penis

October 28, 2009

After a long night we emerge from our respective rooms about noon still in our jammies.  We engage upon one of our first topics of discussion as a household unit.  And that topic just so happens to be… penis!

I guess a little back story may come in handy at this point.  The Widow was the first to retire to her room the previous night.  The Divorcee pops her head in an hour or so later and is amazed to see that the Widow is actually sleeping, and her television is off.  You see, the Widow has had a severe case of insomnia since her husband’s death, and it was almost nothing short of a miracle that she was sleeping so soon after going to bed, let alone without the warm glow and dull mutterings of the television.  The Gay Guy says to the Divorcee that it must be the presence of penis in the house that enabled the Widow to sleep.  And to no one’s surprise she concurs.

So there we all were on the couch the following “morning”, the Gay Guy and the Divorcee begin their witty banter about how the Widow just needed penis in the house to sleep.  The Divorcee then realizes that this conversation really can lead to nothing good, and quickly states that it is far too early for penis.  (Let me remind you that it is well after noon at this point, however we did all just stumble out of bed a bit ago.)  The sarcastic Widow quickly refutes that it is never too early for penis, and the Gay Guy promptly agrees!  And yet somehow it is the Divorcee who is pegged the promiscuous one of the household?

-The Widow

 

So Begins Our Story

October 28, 2009

A widow, a divorcee, and a gay guy walk into a bar…  Well, okay so we did not really meet in a bar.  But in all fairness, that could be the first line of a great joke and one hell of an introduction story.  And well, does it really matter how we met anyway?

For all intents and purposes this is what you need to know.  We are three friends in our late-twenties to early thirties who’s lives have recently taken some unexpected turns.  We have found ourselves living together under one roof trying to make the best of what life has thrown at us.

We are quite the cast of characters!  The jaded and often overly sarcastic widow, the sometimes delusional and socially awkward divorcee, and the bright-eyed gay guy with the heart of gold; I think we are definitely in for an adventure.

-The Widow